Here is one of two performance lectures I have written.
Late for Lecture
The lecturer needs to not care at all about his position of lateness, he is frustrate person. It’s a comical piece play it as if he ie being serious but make sure audience sees the humour. Use fluctuations of pace
Im sorry i was late i overslept, I was too busy raving all night, yeah Im cool don't knock it Jesus!, also like the traffic gave me an aneurysm i think, there was a fucking accident literally outside my house! Like open the curtains and bam, right there, accident, it was like being stuck in rush hour on the M24 but it was my driveway, i was literally in standstill traffic in my driveway.
Oh and did i mention my youngest is ill? Supposedly she has got hyperthermia from the snow, according to the moronic nurse at her school. Like its England come the fuck on, who is going to be hyperthermic in the UK fuck me. Oh and because my daughter is ill, my husband has to be as well, he also has hyperthermia, well he thinks he does, I believe it’s a severe case of ‘man flu’, bloody idiot. So i was dealing with that and my other petulant child decided to steal one of my shoes, ONE OF THEM, not two, one. Like who does that u take two to make a joke, you take one to be a arghhhh.
Then I lost my keys, I still don’t have them, I lost my car, and well… I don’t have my fucking keys. So i had to take the tube and I forgot my laptop on the train, which is really annoying because I didn’t clear my search history, some junkie will enjoy all my sensitive albums.
Okay and... I got lost because have you ever used the underground? What the fuck is the Jubilee line? and ofcourse the train was delayed Because…..London
And, you know, to be frank, I don’t know what Im doing, If you haven’t figured that out already well what are you doing?
Im hungover Remember the rave, wasn’t just alcohol.
I thought it was a different day, You know how I said it wasn’t just alcohol
Technical issues, again not just alcohol
Fuck it im going to say it, I didn’t want to come because I hate you all, myself, my job, my kids, my husband, my wife, my cat, the two dead fish we had, my cats dog, the pointless stairs that are next to escalators and the voices in my head, no you shut up.
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